One of my father’s wisest remarks about visiting people who are in mourning goes something like this: “Do not bring grief upon yourself by wearing black when going for a shiva call.”
The remark made me think: Why is black clothing so familiar during grief? Having lived in two different countries across Western society (Italy and the United States), where the practice is quite prevalent, I was never offered the possibility of wearing clothes that were not black at a funeral.
Turns out, as usual, my dad isn’t wrong. According to Rabbi Shlomo Steinmetz, director of development for the Global Jewish Aid and Relief Network in Brooklyn, New York, although Jews are certainly allowed to wear black at funerals, they are not required to.
“It’s a dark color that shows we’re not in ‘good shape,’ but it’s just a habit, not a necessity,” Steinmetz explained. “You can really wear any color you want and it’s a reflection of your feelings.”
Although other laws regarding clothing apply to Jews in mourning (no leather shoes for a week, for example) and one should certainly choose “simple” colors when dressing, the custom of wearing black is: a cultural custom.
Unfortunately, the Jewish people are not the only ones who are drawn to darker colors when dressing for mourning-related ceremonies. The practice is, in fact, widespread across a variety of cultures — though in fact frowned upon in some circles.
But where did this tradition first originate, and who actually upholds it?
“It’s one of those things that aren’t obvious but there are definitely connections to the Roman Empire,” explained Bobby Mardal, London-based founder of Poppies Funeral Home.
As noted by Mardal, it is generally believed that the ancient Romans wore a dark colored toga when mourning the loss of a loved one. What’s more, in the United States, many practices were passed on by the ancestors of the English—including, perhaps, those related to mournful clothing.
“It is a challenge of the modern age that we can explore the shattered planet without anyone knowing that we are. If we don’t have some symbol that shows others that we are vulnerable, how can we expect society to care about us?”
– Bobby Mardal
After her husband, Prince Albert, died in 1861, Queen Victoria, Queen of England, is said to have worn dark, somber ensembles as a sign of respect for her late partner until her dying day 40 years later.
Look outside the Western world, and you’ll notice stark differences.
The blogger said: “Traditionally, people in Hong Kong wear white at funerals.” La CarminaAnd his family is Chinese. She mentioned an iconic scene in 1972’s “Fists of Fury,” where Bruce Lee is seen wearing a white Mandarin collar-striped suit while howling at the funeral of his martial arts master. “The color white is historically associated with death in many Asian cultures, and it also signifies humility,” she explained. Black and dark colours [also] Appropriate, but people in Hong Kong would never wear red at a funeral because this is a festive color associated with happiness.”
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In Hindu circles, white garments are also the preferred choice. Some religious denominations consider black an inappropriate choice of dress for somber occasions.
Dr. Anjali Ferguson, a psychologist who currently resides in Central Virginia and practices both Hinduism and Christianity, confirmed that “many South Asian communities, particularly those that practice Hinduism, wear white at funerals.” White is a sacred color that symbolizes purity and spiritual enlightenment.
Although she herself does not feel particularly connected to the tradition, she maintains that “what is important is that these rituals celebrate the lives for which we come together and respect the wishes of that family.”
When asked if wearing black to a funeral was frowned upon in her cultural and religious leanings, Ferguson explained that it really depends on where people are staying “in the diaspora”.
“I’ve attended many South Asian ceremonies of life/funerals in the US where people wore black without a problem,” she said. “However, I know that many South Asian communities would find that very offensive. What is important is that we check with families to determine how they would like to honor their loved ones.”
Muslims also tend to wear white, which is a color associated with modesty.
“For funerals, it is customary to wear simple white clothes,” explained Romana Lokhandwala, a public relations professional who lives in Mumbai and follows Islamic traditions. This usually includes a loose garment that reaches to the feet. This symbolizes humility and humility. In addition, the color white serves as a reminder of the purity of the soul and the hope of acceptance by God. It is also believed to be a reminder of the afterlife and reminds us that death is part of life. Wearing white It means that we are subject to God and that we are at peace with our ultimate destiny.”
The choice of black attire within Islam, Lokhandwala explained, is “generally frustrating” because it is seen as “inauspicious and offensive” — unsurprising, considering that, according to the same source, the color is associated with bad luck.
In the West, the mourning process is closely associated with grief—and what better color to represent the feeling than black? On the flip side, although grief is certainly a part of grief about other parts of the world as well, the concept of humility and a certain show of gratitude for the life that we, the living, still live are top-of-mind.
“I think a lot of people in the West wear black out of the sheer horror of disrespect, which is the last thing you want to do at a funeral,” Mardal said. “For example, if I’m going to a service for someone I don’t know very well and can’t ask the family what they want me to wear, I wear black so I don’t look rude.”
In her line of work, Mardal, who works mostly with Western clients, has noticed that age plays a role in the conversation. According to her, older generations expect guests to dress formally, a code of conduct that usually requires dark-colored clothing.
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“They are unlikely to ask themselves the question: Should we hold a funeral as we usually do or change it?” Mardal explained. “But if there’s no clarity, an 18-year-old is more likely to wear black like an 80-year-old because we’re so worried about getting it wrong.”
Another interesting trend noted by the expert, who is actually partial to the idea of adding a touch of color to the clothes of mourners: “In general, the more people prepare and think about a funeral, the less likely they are to wear black.”
Perhaps that specific remark regarding the amount of time spent contemplating mourning actually gets to the heart of the matter, which revolves around the question: What is the appropriate method? Feel While grieving – and what’s the best way to show those feelings to the outside world?
Many people think [clothes are] The way you show how you feel,” Steinmetz said.
“It is a challenge in modern times to be able to walk around the broken planet without anyone knowing that we are,” Mardal said, also noting that in the UK during the Victorian era, citizens in mourning would wear specific mournful clothes that would signal to the world that they were They were going through a hard time and needed help. “If we don’t have a code that shows others that we are vulnerable, how can we expect society to care about us?”
It is clear that during mourning at least the average person longs for human communication. Whether customized clothing—whether in color or shape—will motivate those around us to be more compassionate and giving is up for debate, of course. However, the least we can do is consider the intent behind the costume to be more important than the appearance itself—a concept that transcends sad situations and can indeed be applied to humanity in general.